Ep.29. Why we compare ourselves with other people’s successes in business?

Ever wondered why comparing ourselves to others can feel like such a double-edged sword?

If you often find yourself comparing to others, feeling jealous, or experiencing a sense of failure due to these comparisons, this episode is for you.

In this quite insightful episode I unravel the complexities of comparison in the business world.

I delve into the uplifting aspects of comparison that can serve as powerful sources of inspiration and guidance but also as the darker sides that can trigger feelings of inadequacy.

By reframing these experiences, we can harness comparison as a tool for personal growth, discovering our own unique strengths and redefining success on our own terms.  I go quite deep into the hidden benefits and the higher purpose that these seemingly negative comparisons could serve.

I elaborate on three seemingly negative shadow aspects of comparing yourself to others, and what they could potentially invite you to realize, claim, or step into from a subconscious to conscious awareness.

This episode is packed with fresh perspectives and actionable insights to help you stay true to your evolving values and aspirations in your entrepreneurial journey.

Relevant mentioned episode about The Golden Shadow. 

Mini capacity retreats that I recommend if you want to go deeper: Uncaged Heart or Soft Power

Transcript

Hey Elaira here. 

I am so excited you're joining me in this new business paradigm movement where we create and build, from deep connection with ourselves, integrity and body-led entrepreneurship journey. Where we focus on capacity-based business growth so we could receive, handle and embody more of our potential without compromising ourselves, and doing that through the business with ease and flow and naturalness. And where we lead our movement with insanely impactful anchored soft power. And let's not forget the fun. So let's dive in on. 

Hello again, and thank you for joining me in this corner where I tackle all kind of business paradigm, beliefs and way of looking and being in the business. And today I want to talk about something very deep and very important, something we all do but maybe consciously don't look at it to the detail and the depth that is inviting us. And I want to talk about why do we compare ourselves to others? I don't know who invented that word it was not definitely me but I love this word, the word comparisitis, because it has the word parasitis in it, because often comparing ourselves doesn't take us to the very comfortable and good place with ourselves, isn't it? Huh, it's often take us on the train of unworthiness or that we don't belong or something wrong with us or we're not there and all that kind of jazz. But, as everything, I want to reframe it and I want to invite you to look into the higher purpose of that, to go way deeper in subconscious levels and what actually it is inviting you to, and to look in the two sides of the coin about it, in the positive side, but also the shadow side, and I look both of those sides as the gift, as the invitation for higher purpose, the gift as the invitation for higher purpose. Just, sometimes we may not be conscious about it actually. 

So let's start with a part and the idea that comparing ourselves with others is somehow a bad thing. Actually, it's not. It's nothing bad about, it's actually natural. It's our nature and our point of reference in the world, about ourselves. So, when we look in other people, in other entrepreneurs and other people who are maybe further in their personal development or innovating or whatever, you look up to and I chose that word on purpose, look up to, because these are the people who are inspiring you, who are showing you the pathways, what is possible, who you can be, how you can be, what can you create and the possibilities that maybe you didn't access yourself or didn't know exist. So, first of all, it's very inspiring comparing ourselves with others. It can be source of inspiration. It's like, oh, I want to become that, I want to be that, I want to do that, I want to structure like that, like a lot of my business also is inspired, especially structures, and my programs are inspired a lot by other coaches who are so pioneering such a different way of working and structuring the programs and tailoring and innovating when the business paradigm is innovating. And this is where it's not about copy pasting but getting inspired and embodying that your own way.

Another thing that here comes is super healthy imprint for your nervous system that someone else is doing it. So for your nervous system is signals like, oh, it's safe, it's possible, they did it and they're okay, they are thriving, it's safe, I will not die if I pioneer something new or I pioneer towards that different direction. Very often we need those imprints for our nervous system. We need those experiences for our body to give permission for ourselves to go that path, because inherently our nervous system is afraid to go in everywhere. What is unfamiliar, everything that questions status quo and belonging to the society, belonging to the tribe and saying that we are here, especially as these conscious, pioneering entrepreneurs and leaders, something new. We are here to innovate, we're here to rebel, we're here to disrupt and evolve.

Comparing ourselves with others can be such a beautiful reference point of your own personal growth. Where do you want to go? Who do you want to go? Who do you want to become? What is really lighting you up, but also knowing like, oh, I'm different with that, I am unique this way from others. So it can help you also embrace your own uniqueness and, due to that, your differentiation in your business, in your leadership, in your way of being. In the business, we need others, we need comparison with others and the world, the mirrors, to know where we start, where we end, what is yes, what is no, what we stand for and what we don't, who we are and who we were and who do we want to become. So it's serving also as a reference point.

Well, on the other side, the shadow side, is maybe less comfortable to look at, less comfortable to be with, and often brings us in this spiral down about our own unworthiness. Like, like, oh, they are successful. Oh, they are seven figures entrepreneurs. Oh, they are leading the movement. Oh, they have a community and so on and so on. Oh, they wrote a book. Whatever triggers you in comparison of they are there and I am not. But, as they said, this is just unconscious way. But, as I said, this is just unconscious way to step in your power. This is unconscious way to look and connect back to yourself deeper. This is the invitation for your higher purpose. But often we don't look at that way and the higher purpose invitation here can be different directions. So I want to name a few reasons, what it can invite you to with this kind of negative comparison where you feel going during tamale towards spiral of self-unworthiness and negativity and shrinking. So what I noticed.

1. One of the main reason when we look in other successful people and we think we are not as successful is invitation to look in your own definition of success. 

I cannot tell you enough how rarely people do that. And if you don't do that for yourself, in each phase of your growth, each phase of your cycle where you are at with yourself personally, but also with your business, what happens? You adopt other people's definition of success. If you don't own this part of yourself, what success means to you? Where are you going, what success you would like to celebrate, what would be the milestone, what would be the achievement for you personally, based on your values, based on your movement, based on what you care about, based on what you want to experience. Then you adopt, unconsciously, what I call dead people definitions of success, and dead people definitions of success is usually ancestral stuff, like you got from your family, from your grandparents, from generations, from society structures that are outdated already. If you don't claim that power, if you don't claim that space of your own personal definition of success, someone else will take that role for you. And what happens? When you look into it, we start to be bothered about oh, I'm not successful. But when you look into that definition of success, it's actually not the way of success you aspire to.

I had tons of times that I had this realization with my clients. So, for example, my client was so judging himself because he was looking at other people who are hard workers and build really successful businesses. But when we look deeper into it because he was judging that he was not there we realize that actually, the way they did it is not what he aspires to, is not what he aspires to and it was a lot about compromising, neglecting your body, from the place of disconnection, it's like from the place of this numbness and in a form of slavery that they build that empire that they built the examples he was comparing himself. But what was invitation of this comparison to look deeper is, yes, I also want to have that format of successful business and I also want to work hard, but not on the cost of myself, not on the cost of my being, not on the cost of my own personal integrity. So you can work hard, but there is working hard when it's in alignment from the excitement and there's a working hard where you push against yourself and against your body the path where it leads to the burnout, where you don't listen to yourself.

My own personal example is about wealth and rich people. I always looked up what's one of these pathways of my personal life that I'm exploring here and I was jealous. I was literally triggered by those millionaires who are just so living lavishly, ceos who build really successful multi-six, multi-seven figures businesses. But when I looked into why it was triggering me, it was a mix that I had to clear there. Yes, I want to have wealth, yes, I want to claim that desire, but again. For me it was important the way you hold the money. Most of the rich people that I met in my life were not inspiring to me and that's why I sabotaged myself. I compromised in that desire Because what I realized holding wealth with purity from the heart and especially with integrity was something that I deeply, deeply cared about. And already years ago I chose this pathway, chose to receive and spend money with consciousness, with integrity from the heart. The energy the money came in and out. For me was everything. So for me was not the goal how much money I have or how much money I earn as definition of success, but definition of success how I received it, how I hold it, how I spend it, where I invest it.

Another example I want to give which is very, very popular and very, very common in the shift from the old business paradigm to the new business paradigm. So a lot of hard-based entrepreneurs and leaders and pioneers are judging themselves because they are not there with external outcomes, like, oh, I didn't achieve this amount of money, I didn't achieve this amount of money, I didn't achieve this amount of followers, I didn't achieve this amount of external kind of impact or recognition or whatever that is, tangible results. But it's very external orientated and when we look deeper, often what they care about is the being, the feeling they're striving for. They want to feel peace in the business, they want to feel ease in the business, they want to feel joy, they want to feel satisfaction, they want to connect with their creative flow. So what this comparison invites usually people to look at that sometimes you not even have to adapt your definition to success, but maybe drop it overall. Maybe it doesn't matter for you. The titles, maybe the way of being, the inner peace, the happiness is what you strive for, and I know these are big words, but that's what we often forget to look and prioritize as true, holistic and actually fundamental definition of success.

New business paradigm is not about doing more. It's not about external tags. It's not about how much money you earn and how many titles you have and achievements. It's more about your way of being in the world and with yourself and others and in the business. Does it make sense to you and when was the last time you wrote your own personal definition of success where you yourself, your own personal journey, was a benchmark of success? Where you, who you were and the progress of who you become or where are you going and want to become, is the benchmark Not the external world, not external circumstance and what society dictates you as success? When did you do that? When did you sit down and wrote your personal definition of success for yourself, for your business, for your family, for your team and so on? And also, it changes so much because our life and our world is moving so, so fast compared to how we did stuff and build businesses before. We are changing and growing so rapidly. This society, the world, is shifting and changing so fast. It requires regularly to review that because in every season of your life and every season of your business the definition of success may be different.

Nr. 2. The reason number two If you feel like you're comparing yourself and if you feel like you're jealous to other people way of being doing, showing up in the world, anything, name it the skills, the abilities, anything. You may be jealous about something you really like oh my gosh, I really wish I had that. You know like this is so inspiring. I'm so admiring that. I so would love to have that or do that or be that, and that can be your golden shadow. I have an episode about golden shadow where that is. You can listen it if you want to go deeper there.

But in a nutshell, it can be your positive features, your positive side of you that you disowned yet you pushed away, actually those qualities you see in others, you have inside but you didn't access them or you don't allow them. It can be desires you have that you disowned, or possibilities you have and you're capable of, and actually it's where you are going. This is where your higher version of yourself, bigger version of yourself, are trying to lead you. But at a certain point of your life you kind of shut down from that and you disown it because you couldn't hold it. Maybe people around you couldn't hold those qualities of you. They didn't know how to love you with that, to see you with that, to hold you. In that it's a projection and it's a positive projection about yourself that you see in others and a lot of visible figures embody that for people.

I remember it was a shocking discovery and realization for me when I was on television and I gave an interview about my personal life story and personal career story and then I got a lot of feedback, a lot of reflections from people and I was shocked how everyone saw the same me, the same sentences, the same story in so many different versions, how they saw themselves in me. But sometimes it was not accurate. Sometimes it was accurate. Sometimes I was like, wow, interesting where every different person focuses on and what they project on me. But actually I was just embodiment of their disembodied parts of themselves, parts of visibility, parts of that story they saw themselves in. But you can see in other only what you can access or you are yourself. So I'm inviting you to look and write down qualities of the people that inspire you maybe three, maybe five, maybe even two, whatever comes up and write down. Just don't overthink it, just write down what is really inspiring to you from those people, like what qualities you really would like to have or you really feel jealous about. And then try to go deeper with that notice where maybe in the past you even had potential or capacity for that, but you shut it down, you never pick it up, you never allowed it.

And the third reason I want to tackle here is also very, very deep reason. This one I have also a lot with my clients because it's also my own path, it's also my own wounding, and this one is about comparing yourself as, in a sense, I don't belong there. They are doing their, as I said, for example, six, seven figures entrepreneurs. They wrote the books, they are 45, and they are thriving and have three kids and a car and a house and I'm living in the rental apartment. They are so visible and they have community and I am hiding, I'm not seen or I don't belong.

So anything where, in a sense, you feel like you don't belong, but you so aspire, your heart craves for that belonging to that group, belonging to that tribe, belonging to that whatever box, whatever role you're trying to put yourself into in order to belong there, trying to put yourself into so, in order to belong there. And if you look deeper, there's a huge, huge pain and a huge, huge desire. So huge desire is for connection, there's huge longing for connection and the pain and the fear is about alienation, fear of alienation, fear of being excluded from the tribe, excluded from that group. Because you so want to belong, you so crave for that connection. And this was a big one and maybe still is in a way. Because I'm here to pioneer so many different ways, I had to delve into it personally very deeply. That's what I'm sharing, and for many reasons. First of all because I'm here to bust the traditional roles, the way we relate. I'm here to bust traditional way of doing business and I'm here to bust traditional way of being that we were told to in a society, in the structure and with ourselves.

So I was born in a very small country, Lithuania, in a very edge of the country, in a very tiny village full of gossiping, as an extrasensory being, and you have no clue how long and how painful this journey was for me, because I just wanted to belong. I just want to be normal, I just wanted connection. I didn't want to be perceived as weirdo, as crazy, as woo-woo and so on, as crazy as woo-woo and so on. I didn't want to be different and I am. I'm hugely different, and what this fear and this desire is inviting us to embrace our own individual? Because we are here evolving as humanity, as society, from the tribal societal based, where we are conditioned to fit in. This is how we raise, this is where we set the norms. Now we are invited to individuate and this is where also, the business is going to more and more individualized way. This is where your point of view, point of individuality, differentiation, how you see the world, how you are, makes you unique and successful in the business more and more. This is where we're going going.

So the higher purpose of this comparison, where you don't belong comparison, is inviting you not to go the route of what's wrong with you, you're weird, or what you're doing wrong, and that's kind of spiral train which often people go to and instead embrace that connection with yourself, connection with your purpose, connection with your mission, connection with your path, connection with your higher version of yourself, and truly devotionally commit and belong there. It's inviting you to romance and embrace and connect with your uniqueness, connect with those parts you so try to neglect because in order to belong to that group, you so aspiring to belong. All of this is just deeper invitation to lead yourself, your life and your business more powerfully, more aligned with you, embracing your power and connecting parts of you that you neglect, that you disown, that actually need more connection and love, not less. This is invitation to be more gentle with yourself and all parts of you. Embrace yourself holistically. And this is part of the soft power movement, quiet ambition and gentle leadership movement that I'm pioneering. It requires a depth and it invites you to walk through life, to lead your movement. Build your business with open heart and deep honesty with yourself. Heart and deep honesty with yourself, seeing all parts of yourself, being honest with all what's around you, looking deeper, what the mirrors around with reflection of other people, external world, external reference points. You referring yourself and comparing yourself to invite you to reclaim or step into power more, inviting you to love more about yourself instead of judge yourself more. This is where I also go deeper in soft power and uncage hard mini capacity retreats. I will share the links in this episode. I highly recommend to watch them because they are nothing mini. They're really profound and very deep and insightful journeys.

So, as a closure, I want to ask you which parts of comparing yourself with others did you resonate the most right now? Firstly, I talked about inspiration, people who are role modelling things for you, who are they for you, and then we looked in the shadow side of comparing and three versions of invitations. This shadow side of comparing and comfortable comparing yourself with others, inviting you to so. Number one was invitation to redefine your own personal definition of success. Number two was your golden shadow reclaiming desires, qualities, skills, possibilities and forms of yourself that you disown and you project now onto others. What ways are you invited to reclaim your light, your bigness, your gifts and number three, where you desperately desire to belong and you don't feel like you belong? To what boxes you're trying to fit in in society that it's not yours to fit in? What versions of your difference you are invited to embrace and connect and maybe realize that's actually what people are looking for, and you are here to pioneer and may become your unique difference and point of view in your business.

Which one hit the core for you in this moment? 

Feel free to share with me in the comments and also you can drop me an email and or find me on Instagram. It's always so amazing for me to hear how that resonates and lands with you, because that invites me even more to share with you. And if you would like to hear more from me about rewiring the way we work and soft power leadership movement, don't forget to subscribe to this podcast so you get notifications when a new episode comes out. And lately I'm really in a creative flow to share so many beautiful insights and ideas and depth of our becoming and our unfolding in the entrepreneurship journey. And now give yourself a moment and feel your body, close your eyes and let this information, this episode, go through your body, anchor in your body. Let it feel how it touches you and what sensations it brings up.